thots.

for being a girl that doesn't have a lot of emotions (i literally can't remember the last time i cried), i'm "feeling" quite a bit recently and i don't like it. i'm really, really good at sailing through life. not thinking or dealing with feelings because i can't trust thots (or thoughts for those of you who don't listen to wash [aka ghetto trash]) when i am feeling. so typically, i just don't.

God has made it very clear over the last six months that His will for my life includes going on the world race south america expedition. but being the princess that i am [aka stubborn], i have not made it very easy for Him. i took my precious time filling out my application [even though i knew He wanted me to go]. and then i still had doubt after i was accepted. He put so many people in my life to confirm my decision and i was still unsure. when i finally gave in and announced it to my social media followers, i had complete peace for the first time in years. it only took a few seconds to be reminded of everything i had to do to prepare for my trip, as well as the amount of money i had to raise. panic set in, so logically i decided to make a list. and this list turned into a fourteen page document, including my packing list, fundraising ideas, embassy numbers and addresses and medications and vaccinations and anything else you could think of. it's in there [just ask my squadmates]. ;) i failed to remind myself that this is God's plan. i forgot to take my chill pill.

fast forward to april 18th, the day i found out i was fully funded. i felt like i won the lottery. and when i realized that i really am leaving july 29th, my clear thoughts became a jumbled up bag of gluten-free noodles. it finally hit me because it became reality. i think a part of me was holding back at the possibility that i wouldn't raise enough and then i wouldn't be able to go. i am ashamed to say but i have doubted God's ability over and over in this process. i put Him in a box. one that was very small and had little potential for success. i don't like failure, so i usually have low expectations, therefore, no disappointment. 

i always said out loud that He would provide, but i'm not entirely sure i believed it. the large number, $17,561, got to me. forgetting who God is, the numbers behind the dollar sign made me think that it was impossible to raise that much money. i doubted God and i never want to do that again. my stomach drops every time i think about the lack of trust i had in Him. but thank goodness He doesn't give up on His [disobedient] children because He has been so faithful and has proved me wrong every step of the way. He provided me the finances in less than four months and brought together a community of believers that i have desperately needed this past year. He is a good, good Father.

so currently, i am trying to prepare myself for my departure, which isn't going too hot. it wasn't until realizing i won't be able to lead my soon-to-be high school senior girls next year when my heart broke. then i realized i won't see my [homeless] people at the warming shelter every week. i will be missing several of my friend's weddings. i won't wake up every morning to two happy yorkies that give me my daily dose of puppy kisses. i also won't be able to celebrate birthdays and holidays with family and friends. and i'll be missing those beautiful below freezing months of sodak [just kidding, i won't miss those at all]. :) 

there are a lot of events that i am giving up but it wasn't until just recently that i have begun to feel [insert all of the emotions] about what i will be missing. i've never really been a fan of good-byes or missing events of people that i love so i don't like to actually think about the idea of leaving since that makes me feel. i try and just do it - without thought because if i do, it leads to thot. so to be honest, i am confused about what i'm supposed to think/feel and how i need to finish this season well so i can begin the next in a few months. all i know is that when i am weak, God gives me strength and clarity. something that i desperately need. so i am giving Him my trust and allowing Him to work in me so that i will be prepared for this next season and be able to bring Him glory. though i can't trust my thots, i can always trust His thoughts.

cheers to vulnerability and honesty.
SJ

i am done rushing.

one of the most stressful things about living in america is everyone always being in a rush. amiright? if we aren't being proactive and figuring out our lives three years in advance, we're basically a societal failure. totally not true but you get my point. going a hundred miles a minute and always trying to act like we have it all together. ie. social media...  we make people think we are actually cool, but don't be fooled. it's a complete illusion. ok fine, it is for me at least (except i really do have cute dogs).

so, i am done rushing.

after i was accepted to the world race (and put down my deposit) for the first time in a very, very long time, i felt at complete peace. it has been a pretty rocky road this past year and i am glad it is over. after being unhappy with how things turned out, it has been a huge blessing seeing God provide in all aspects of my life. He has shown me how last year was needed for me to grow, be stretched, and to open my eyes to new opportunities - the world race.

i have less than five months left before i leave for the world race and the amount of things i need to do before then stresses me out, which leads to way too many panic attacks. there have been several moments this semester that i felt like i was at my wits end, leaning towards a major meltdown trying to get everything done in a timely manner and scheduling life up until i launch in august. and every single time, God shows up in His perfect timing. He has always been there and always will be. He give me rest and takes care of me. He is a good, good father.

and for fundraising, if someone would have told me a year ago i was going to have to raise $17,561 i would've told them they were crazy. even though i still get freaked out by that large number sometimes, the Lord has certainly hit my expectations out of the park. i am currently 58% funded! so, thank you to everyone who has supported me. i am so humbled by your generosity and willingness to help send me over to preach the good news. for those of you who would still like to donate, visit sarahcork.theworldrace.org. and for those of you who want to help support me by purchasing a t-shirt, click here (the order form closes on march 2nd). depending on demand, i may do another order form in this summer.

half the time, i don't believe i am actually going to be a missionary for eleventh months in a foreign land. side note, i'm fully aware i still don't know spanish. and honest hour, i have been listening to spanish for dummies whenever i am in the car. no shame. if all else fails and i don't get back my little conversational spanish i used to know, i'll just throw down a whole bunch of spanish vocab. 

after officially signing up for the world race, i began asking hannah (world race alum) the best way to prepare for training camp and my august departure. she said four words that became my new life motto - "finish this season well."

those words really stuck because i am known for always looking ahead. it's like my job. to always be worrying about the next step. trying to be ten steps ahead and never present. that's what is natural and honestly, what i'm good at. well... what i think i'm good at. i have recently learned that it makes it hard for me to enjoy the present, which is why i am done rushing.

i want to embrace the present. to make it a point to encourage, challenge, and pray for people. to be extremely intentional and be present in all aspects of my life. i want to enjoy the time i have left here in sodak. the ability to take classes (even when i despise them half... most of the time), to drink coffee and eat apples with peanut butter as much as i can, and to serve at church and the local homeless shelter - the warming shelter.

i recently ran across a blog that said, "when we look in Jesus' eyes, we find the one who fully knows us, and fully loves us." it's encouraging that Jesus sees us for who we are and knows us so well. He knows me and knows exactly how i need to change. so, my prayer for this season, as well as for the rest of my days, is to see the beauty in God's people and the joy in the little things. it is definitely not going to be easy some days, but it will be so worth it.

you can't change your past, but you can change your future. 

live, love, & lead <3