for being a girl that doesn't have a lot of emotions (i literally can't remember the last time i cried), i'm "feeling" quite a bit recently and i don't like it. i'm really, really good at sailing through life. not thinking or dealing with feelings because i can't trust thots (or thoughts for those of you who don't listen to wash [aka ghetto trash]) when i am feeling. so typically, i just don't.
God has made it very clear over the last six months that His will for my life includes going on the world race south america expedition. but being the princess that i am [aka stubborn], i have not made it very easy for Him. i took my precious time filling out my application [even though i knew He wanted me to go]. and then i still had doubt after i was accepted. He put so many people in my life to confirm my decision and i was still unsure. when i finally gave in and announced it to my social media followers, i had complete peace for the first time in years. it only took a few seconds to be reminded of everything i had to do to prepare for my trip, as well as the amount of money i had to raise. panic set in, so logically i decided to make a list. and this list turned into a fourteen page document, including my packing list, fundraising ideas, embassy numbers and addresses and medications and vaccinations and anything else you could think of. it's in there [just ask my squadmates]. ;) i failed to remind myself that this is God's plan. i forgot to take my chill pill.
fast forward to april 18th, the day i found out i was fully funded. i felt like i won the lottery. and when i realized that i really am leaving july 29th, my clear thoughts became a jumbled up bag of gluten-free noodles. it finally hit me because it became reality. i think a part of me was holding back at the possibility that i wouldn't raise enough and then i wouldn't be able to go. i am ashamed to say but i have doubted God's ability over and over in this process. i put Him in a box. one that was very small and had little potential for success. i don't like failure, so i usually have low expectations, therefore, no disappointment.
i always said out loud that He would provide, but i'm not entirely sure i believed it. the large number, $17,561, got to me. forgetting who God is, the numbers behind the dollar sign made me think that it was impossible to raise that much money. i doubted God and i never want to do that again. my stomach drops every time i think about the lack of trust i had in Him. but thank goodness He doesn't give up on His [disobedient] children because He has been so faithful and has proved me wrong every step of the way. He provided me the finances in less than four months and brought together a community of believers that i have desperately needed this past year. He is a good, good Father.
so currently, i am trying to prepare myself for my departure, which isn't going too hot. it wasn't until realizing i won't be able to lead my soon-to-be high school senior girls next year when my heart broke. then i realized i won't see my [homeless] people at the warming shelter every week. i will be missing several of my friend's weddings. i won't wake up every morning to two happy yorkies that give me my daily dose of puppy kisses. i also won't be able to celebrate birthdays and holidays with family and friends. and i'll be missing those beautiful below freezing months of sodak [just kidding, i won't miss those at all]. :)
there are a lot of events that i am giving up but it wasn't until just recently that i have begun to feel [insert all of the emotions] about what i will be missing. i've never really been a fan of good-byes or missing events of people that i love so i don't like to actually think about the idea of leaving since that makes me feel. i try and just do it - without thought because if i do, it leads to thot. so to be honest, i am confused about what i'm supposed to think/feel and how i need to finish this season well so i can begin the next in a few months. all i know is that when i am weak, God gives me strength and clarity. something that i desperately need. so i am giving Him my trust and allowing Him to work in me so that i will be prepared for this next season and be able to bring Him glory. though i can't trust my thots, i can always trust His thoughts.
cheers to vulnerability and honesty.
SJ
